Episode 39: Grief with guest Dr. Olga Lavalle
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About Dr. Olga Lavalle
Dr. Olga Lavalle is a Clinical Psychologist who has worked for 30 years in mental health. She has a lot of experience working with clients (adolescents, adults and older adults) about grief. Of note, grief can be from different sources – e.g., the end of a relationship, job loss, or the loss of a loved one. Dr. Lavalle also has had a personal experience with grief when she suddenly lost her husband in 2014. At that moment, regardless of her clinical training, she instantly felt like she was just like everybody else now.
Forget the psychology.
Forget everything she knew.
She knew that her only option was to experience the grief and embrace it for what it is and see what happens. She had to open herself up to fully experience it.
What is Grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss.
There are a lot of different responses to grief:
Emotional
Cognitive
Physical
Behavioural
Spiritual
Although grief is a normal response to a loss, some people become frightened of it. People think that they can't cope because of all the negative emotions and thoughts that come with it.
Grief vs. mourning
People get grief and mourning mixed up. While grief is a natural response to loss, mourning is the social expression of a loss. In this way, mourning is how someone outwardly expresses the loss, and it can be influenced a lot by cultural norms, rituals and traditions. In some cultures, people might be very emotional and verbal in their expressions of loss. In other cultures, people may appear more stoic and business-like. But there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is an individual experience.
Grief “timeline”
Grief never ends. It's something that you learn to live with. What happens is a lot of people sort of expect that after 12 months, people should move. But what moving on is, is that you've accepted it and that you're adjusting to life. It's not that you've forgotten about the person, because you will never forget the person. They are always a part of you.
Dr. Lavalle thinks that the expectation of a timeline when it comes to grief came from the “Five Stages of Grief,” which was proposed by Elizabeth Kubler Ross.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Our thinking has moved away from these five stages, however, because the research done by Kubler Ross was on patients who were dying and not on the ones that were left behind.
If we think about stages, it means there’s a beginning and an end; but, grief never ends. You just learn to live with it. Over time, as people are adjusting, they are able to manage their feelings and the pain and the intensity of the pain decreases. It will come back at different times, but it won't likely be there for as long. So, there is no timeline for grief. You just have to go through the journey and experience the feelings.
There can be a lot of different emotions that accompany grief. Different things will trigger people at different times. It's okay to be crying six months later, eight months later, a year later, or many years later, as you remember your loved one.
For some people, grief can be quite difficult. This may happen if someone has experienced many losses within a short period of time. It also depends on the person's relationship with the person who has passed away. It can also depend on the person’s coping mechanisms and their own personality or whether they have a history of depression or some sort of trauma. This individual might be more at risk and may find it a bit more difficult to cope. There is also the possibility of developing complicated grief and some depression. For anyone who may be at higher risk – it is still important for them to go with the grief journey and just see how it goes.
Additional Grief Theories
Dual Process Model of Grief
The grieving person oscillates between:
Loss orientated factors - relates specifically to the person's own emotional responses to the death and to cope or deal with the responses. Whatever emotions they are having, they are using different strategies to manage those feelings. For example, if someone's really, really feeling distressed, they can sit with their feelings, acknowledge them, and then they may be able to go and do something to make themselves feel better. Note - it's not about making the pain go away. It's about managing the pain and accepting it.
Restoration/Problem orientated factors - relates to making necessary lifestyle changes. For example, coping with everyday life, building new roles and relationships as a result of the death. What you're doing with the problem-focused coping is you’re identifying the areas you need to make the adjustments in life and addressing them.
Two-Track Model of Grief
Simon Rubin's Two-Track Model of Grief involves looking at the different areas of a grieving person's life that have been negatively impacted by grief. What you’re looking to identify is where the grieving individual may need some help. In addition, the grieving person may be able to identify the areas in their life that they're having trouble functioning in.
Track-one is all about the person's functioning.
Track-two is all about the grieving person’s relationship with the deceased.
Continuing Bonds Model
In this model there are four tasks of grief:
Accept the reality of the loss
Experience the pain of the loss
Adjust to a new environment
Find an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward with life
The last task listed above is the “continuing bond.” The grieving person finds a way to redefine their relationship with the deceased. In this way, they are allowing for a continued bond with that person. The relationship is actually very healthy, and the person is grieving in a normal way.
One of the ways that people continue that bond is finding a way to remember them on significant days: a birthday, an anniversary, etc. The traditions or rituals may change but change in a way where they're still remembering the loved one. This continuing bond is very healthy.
Dr. Lavalle’s Personal Experience with Grief
Dr. Olga Lavalle’s husband just passed away suddenly from a heart attack. The day he passed was Easter Saturday in 2014. At the time, her two girls were 15 and 14 and her husband had a 25-year-old son.
When Olga found out that my husband had passed away, she was just like everybody else. She asked herself:
What am I going to do?
How are we going to live?
Olga’s husband was a full-time breadwinner. She worked part-time, and was there for the children. So, after her husband passed, she - and her children too - were quite concerned. They wondered how they were going to live and what they were going to do.
The children needed a lot of reassurance, as well as a lot of safety and security. Olga was always reassuring them. She would tell them that she knew what they were going to do and that everything was going to be okay - even though she didn't know what they were going to do. Regardless, she knew that she had to work it out. She needed to reassure them that they were going to be okay.
At the time, she talked a lot of big, life decisions over with the children. Olga later wondered if she shouldn’t have done that; but, it was actually very positive for her family because everyone was involved in the whole process and understood everything that was happening. The children actually felt more safe and secure, because they knew what was happening and what they were going to do.
Dr. Lavalle knew that she needed to show her grieving children that their feelings were normal:
It was okay to cry in front of them.
It was okay for Olga to tell her children that she can't be bothered to do anything. That she was feeling unmotivated.
They didn’t need to do anything. They just needed to take each day as it came. She wanted her children to know that what they were experiencing was normal. When the kids were feeling unmotivated, she would tell them that it was okay. They didn’t have to do anything. They could just wait. Eventually, their motivation would come back. They just need to focus on being together and supporting each other.
Olga wanted her kids to be able to come to her when they weren't coping. She wanted them to talk to her and she wasn't going to hide her feelings from them. Dr. Lavalle wanted to show her children what grief was and that everybody experiences things differently. She also wanted to show them that no matter what life throws at them, that they needed to deal with it as best as they could. All they could do was try to do their best.
Grief became a family affair.
It is a family affair because the decreased also has loved ones, parents, siblings, etc. Everyone is involved with the grief. Olga also wanted to ensure that her children had an enduring connection with her late husband's family.
Book: The New Normal A Widow's Guide to Grief
Dr. Lavalle wants her readers to know that grief is a normal part of life after loss, and it's nothing to be afraid of. When Olga first received the devastating news that her husband had passed, she just stood at the window looking out at the backyard. One thing that always remembered her husband telling her was, “When your number is up. It's time to go. You don't have a choice. The world never stops. You have to keep going”. He always, always said that to Olga when someone passed away and this really stuck with her.
She knew that she had to keep going after her husband passed away. This does not mean that she wasn't going to grieve; it just meant that she had to adjust and make changes. This is the reason she wrote the book. It's not just a book about her sad story. Dr. Lavalle wrote the book as a Clinical Psychologist who knows a lot about grief and as a widow who has personally experienced grief. Because of this, the book has the power to speak to the very heart of the grief issue.
Dr. Lavalle wants her readers to know and believe that they, too, can manage grief. She wants them to know that she has also suffered adversity and that she understands how they feel. Although she doesn’t know how you feel, because we can never know everybody's feelings and grief is individual, but she does understand. Dr. Lavalle wants her readers to know that they can choose to swim and not sink in their grief.
Olga wants to help the grieving people find their new normal.
When Olga faced her own grief (after the loss of her husband), she was simply trying to do the best she could for herself and for her family to help them adjust to something that is a natural part of life.
We don't get to choose.
Yes, Olga thought she and her husband were going to grow old together, but that didn't happen.
She didn't have a choice about if her husband would pass, but she did have a choice to decide whether she was going to let grief destroy her or not.
She chose not to let it destroy her, and she specifically chose not to be angry. She did not see the purpose of being angry. What was that going to do for her? She also knew that she didn’t have the energy or time to deal with anger. She had a family, and they needed to be able to deal with their grief in a healthy way.
Some people even feel uncomfortable when the grieving person continues to talk about their loved one. But this is part of the continuing bond. It is quite normal, but other people may feel uncomfortable, which is likely because they don't know what to say.
Things to say to someone who is grieving:
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm here for you.
I'm listening.
I will come tomorrow, if that's okay with you and I will help you. I will get you some groceries (you may not know what they need, so you can just get the practical things).
I'm coming to help you.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm feeling very sad for you.
I understand it's a difficult time.
If they've got little children, it's important that maybe they can take the little children and spend some time with them to give the person grieving the adult grave some time.
Family support and being able to ask for help is really, really important. And it's okay to be asking for help.
And just let them talk if they want to talk. Or, if not, just sit there with them.
The person who is grieving knows that whatever is said is not necessarily going to make them feel better. But just sitting there and listening to the person is important.
Alternatively, if you know the person who passed away, then you can talk about them as well. This engages a conversation for both the person grieving and the person supporting them to be able to talk about the loved one.
Conclusion
To learn more about the work that Dr. Olga Lavalle is doing on grief and her book “The New Normal: A Widow’s Guide to Grief”:
Visit her website: olgalavalle.com - click here
Receive a free chapter of the book by visiting: www.awidowsguidetogrief.com - click here
Follow Dr. Olga Lavalle on Social Media
Instagram - click here
Facebook - click here